We took the boys to get their school supplies for this year & with getting the book bags & all the other stuff they needed we spent around $150.00. That doesn't include buying any new shoes or clothes for the new school year, it is getting ridiculous.
Anyway, the boys got to pick out their new book bags & they are really proud of them. Jaydon got a "Go Diego, Go" one for $7.00, Trystan got one for $17.00 & Donavon got his book bag that he has been wanting for awhile, it has wheels on it for $23.00.
Amy went to the doctor about her tooth yesterday, she has been having a rough time with it for awhile. They gave her "Tramadol" for the pain. They said she has an exposed nerve, ouch! She is going to go Monday & turn in her application to "Healing Hands" to see if she can some dental work through them done, I hope she can. If she does after she gets her tooth fixed I will see about getting some of mine worked on. Like I said the other day we are doing a lot better with money than we were I just hope we don't make to much to where Amy get her some help.
We did our bills last night & we are doing ok, we still are making more than we have going out, it is just if we could get some of these credit cards, & loans paid off we would be doing better. If worse comes to worse we can always take some of next years tax return & get some of these bills off of us.
I am going through something right now, you know I have mentioned before I was raised Southern Baptist & I live in the South, so I live in the Bible belt. Well I am interested in things that they would look down on. Let me start from the beginning, I had a dream the other night about Samhain "Halloween" & in the dream I was a Wiccan.
Well I mentioned my dream to Amy, & she knows the things I am interested in, so she said to me maybe I would be happier as a Wiccan. So I have been reading up on it a lot more lately. I knew what they believed in already because like I said I was interested in things for awhile.
I find what they believe in very interesting, but I have a lot of baggage with me from being raised Southern Baptist. I am not putting it down don't get me wrong, but you are taught certain things & well I was taught them at an early age, & I am almost 37 so I have been in this "belief" for my entire life.
All I want to be is happy, well as happy as a Bipolar can be, lol. I want to except the things I find to be true not what I am told to believe but like I said I have this baggage, & one of the things I was taught was if you don't except Jesus as the only way to heaven you'll go to hell.
That opens another chapter, lol, I believe in heaven but my view of heaven differs from the view of the Christian heaven. I believe heaven will be a place of whatever you desire it to be. If you have ever seen the movie "What Dreams May Come" then you know what I am talking about. Like in my heaven I will have snow & mountains with wolves that roam them, I love wolves. I will be in a peaceful place for all eternaty, unlike my life here on earth.
I believe in a hell but I believe it will be different for everyone who goes there, the worse you were on earth the worse your hell will be. Now as far as reincarnation I believe it is a possibility, I have experienced deja vu to many times to say it isn't a possibility.
What I find amazing is this, how anyone of any religion can say they know for sure without any doubt what so ever that their religion is the right one. I have seen & I have been through to much stuff to say I know anything for certain. Esp. about life after death, I mean the only ones who knows for sure about that don't come back & tell us how it is. Well unless you believe in ghosts, or spirits may be the better word & I happen to believe in them
So that is what I am going through right now, at least I have the support of Amy, she just wants me to be happy. I guess that is why we get along as good as we do, we see eye to eye on a lot of things & on the things we don't we allow the other one to have their own opinion.
Tomorrow we are going to go get the boys their book bags for school & Donavon is excited about it, that is all he has talked about for the last few days. He is looking forward to school & so is Jaydon,, he starts kindergarten this year, Trystan will be in the 4th grade & he isn't ready to go back, if it was up to him he would never go back, lol.
I had to take Jaydon to the doctor today to have his physical & to get caught up on his shots so he can go to school. He was a brave little man when they took his blood & gave him his shots.
My B-day is coming up soon, I'll be 37 in August, I can't believe I will be 37, although sometimes I feel a lot older than that, lol. Well Amy & I didn't win the Mega Million, I don't play it very often but when it gets so high I have to try, but so far we haven't hit the jackpot, maybe one day but if not I am still lucky because I have my family.
Amy is having a hard time with one of her tooth, it keeps aching & when it does it brings her to tears. We don't have dental insurance so we are going through "Healing Hands" to see if she can get dental work by them. I told you all we are doing better money wise in my last post which we are & we are so glad we are where we are money wise but I hope we don't make to much a month to where she can't get help from "Healing Hands".
Trystan went & saw his pdoc yesterday, he lost 16 pounds, grew an inch & his blood pressure was back to normal. She didn't change any of his medication, she said if he still has a problem with his mood swings when he comes back to see her in two months she will increase his Topamax. He is able to stay more focused since he was put on Stratterra, & his crying spells are a lot less frequent since he was put on Wellbtrin. I just worry about his anger issues sometimes, he can go from being calm to being irritable within a moment.
I am doing all right I guess, I was looking at my scar from when I burn myself & I was thinking how I didn't regret itt any. A matter of fact I wouldn't mind doing it again but like I said Amy has told me if I do she wouldn't let the boys be raised in that kind of enviroment. I know she is right, esp. with Trystan already being Bipolar it isn't something he needs to be exposed to.
It is just hard to explain, I know a "normal" person doesn't go around wanting to burn or cut themselves but I have no problem with it. I have no desire to cut myself but I do think about burning myself again & I know that can get me back into the hospital & I know Amy doesn't want me to go back in just like I don't want to go back in. So don't worry, I wont burn myself even though the thought does cross my mind from time to time, I have to much to lose.
Here is a picture of Donavon with our other "baby" Rakki, he is a Toy Chihuahua....
We took the boys out to the mall yesterday & lat them play at "Tilt" it is a video game play room. We gave them $5 each & they had a blast, then we took them out to eat, so it was a good family day out. They only have a few more weeks before school starts back up so we want to do as much with them as we can.
We are wanting to take them to "Warriors State Park" & let them go swimming & just enjoy the beauty of the park. We also want to take them & see either "Space Monkeys", or "Journey To The Center Of The Earth" we will leave it up to them to which one we will see.
Amy got another raise at her job so she has had a .58 cent raise since she started working last September. She really likes her job which is really important to me, I would hate for her to work somewhere she couldn't stand, I had a few jobs like that & it sucks.
We are doing pretty good this year, knock on wood, this year we will be making the most we have made in the 10 years we have been married. Between my check & what Amy makes we are doing alright, there for a little while when I first applied for my disability we was hurting for money. We was living off of something less than $700 a month & that included paying bills & getting groceries.
Jaydon our youngest one was a new born, don't ask me how we made it because I don't know. Well I know how we made it through some of the rough times, my mom helped us out. If it wasn't for her I really don't know what we would have done.
She helped us more than once with paying rent, or lights, ect. so I really have to say a big thanks to my mom. I know there is no way I can ever repay her for what she did.
I am not going to say how much we make now, but it is a lot better than a little over $600 a month. I say this knocking on wood, with Amy's hard work & my check we are really thankful for what we have now.
We need to start paying off some of our credit cards because Christmas is come up fast & we need to start doing some shopping before to much longer. We was at a store yesterday that sells old time collectibles & I say a few things I want to get Amy for Christmas this year. You know that we usually don't buy each other anything because we spend all the money on the boys. Well this year I am determine to get her something.
I am doing alright, I am taking my medicines like I am suppose to, well all in all I am, I may miss a dose here & there every now & then. I have thought of something, I can't burn myself or I will be put back into the hospital & Amy said she doesn't know if she can me being away again. So I figure I can use at least a rubber band, wear it around my wrist & if or I guess I should say when I feel that way I can flick the rubber band. That way I can get the satisfaction of the pain but without the permanent scaring.
I don't care about the scaring though, I couldn't care less about the scaring but I don't like being admitted to the hospital. Also Amy has said she wont allow the boys to see me doing it to myself so I can't afford to do it & take the chance of losing Amy & the boys. I go on July 31st & see my pdoc, & tdoc, & my caseworker will be there also so I better be on my best behavior.
Trystan is doing good I guess, he is taking his medicines like he should & he goes & sees his pdoc this coming week. I hate he has gotten the bipolar from me but I am glad they caught it while he was still young. I hope this way he wont have to suffer in silence like I did for all those years. I hope he will know he can tell me & his mom anything & we will do everything we can to help him.
Well we went on our vacation & we had a blast, the boys loved Dollywood, & Pigeon Forge they didn't want to leave & neither did Amy & I. We spent all of the first day going through a Dinosaur Museum, playing at a Mr Gatti's & then we went to the motel & let the kids swim.
The second day we went to Dollywood & we had a blast, we went at 9:00am when the park opened & we were there till it closed at 8:00pm. Amy's sister came with us with her little girl who is a little over a year old & she had a blast also. My sister in law rode some of the rides Amy & I wouldn't ride with Trystan, they are brave souls, lol.
The boys rode almost everything they wanted to ride but we were worn out so Sarah & Trystan didn't get to ride the "Tennessee Tornado" roller coaster. We went to the motel, ordered some pizza, watched a little TV & then we knocked out for the night.
Then on our third day we went to the gift shops & bought some gifts & let the boys spend there money. They each had $80 to spend & they spent the their money wisely. They loved the gift shops & they wanted to go to more than what we were able to go to. I have posted a slide show of our trip, I hope you enjoy the show.
We did a lot more than what the slide show shows, it is just we were having so much fun we forgot to take more pictures, lol.
I did alright as far as panic attacks I didn't have to many of them & they weren't to bad so I was glad about that. I did have a few moments where I had some weird thoughts but I was able to get through them without to much problem. I was able to enjoy watching the boys have a blast so I was thankful for that.
The only thing I hated was the trip had to end & I had to come back to reality & deal with day to day life as a Bipolar.
However we plan on going back to Dollywood next year so that is something I have to look forward to, plus we are thinking about going to Splash Country next year, it is a water park that is part of Dollywood. All I know for sure is that we don't plan on it being another 10 years before our next vacation.
Well our first vacation in 10 years is almost upon us & we can't wait, the boys are so excited about going they have been counting the days away, well I have to lol. We are going to go to Pigeon Forge & stay 3 days & two nights & while we are there we are going to go down to Knoxville & visit the zoo.
The boys will enjoy Dollywood, they enjoyed the little carnival that came to town a month or so ago so I know they will have a blast at Dollywood. We are going to give them some money to buy some suveneirs but we told them once they spend the money we give them they don't get anymore. We figure $75 each is a good amount for suveneirs. We figure $30 for Dollywood, $25 for Pigeon Forge, & $20 for the zoo. That's a lot more than Amy & I ever got for suveneirs but we want them to be able to get what they want & enjoy their trip.
Like I said we haven't been on a vacation in about 10 years the last time we went Trystan was a little baby & he will be 10 in November so it has been awhile. Donavon, & Jaydon hasn't ever been at all, I know Trystan don't remember being there but at least we have pictures we had taken there. Trystan & I were wanted Cowboys, lol, we were dressed as cowboys in a saloon & on the frame it says Wanted the Wild Bunch. Trystan wasn't more than several months old at the time.
I go see my tdoc tomorrow & everything is going to be just fine, lol, I don't care if they aren't as far as she is concerned they will be. I have been doing alright lately, nothing to complain about, just the same old things. However I don't want to say anything that might make her want to put me back into the hospital esp. since our trip is coming up soon.
My Don Don (Donavon) is still in bed, he has worn himself out, he goes outside as soon as he can and plays till it is dark, he loves playing outside. Little Jaydon is playing his "Star Wars" game he will play it all day, he loves that game. Trystan he will either watch TV or play X Box, he can play X box like I have never seen, he is good on those games.
Amy has to work a little today, I think she works 7-12:00 today but I am not sure then she has to work 7-4 tomorrow & then Saturday we are going to take her to see the movie "Wall E" for her birthday, she will be 28 years young.
We decided to take the boys to Dollywood for our vacation, the boys can't wait & neither can I because I know they will have fun there. It has been about 10 years since Amy & I have been there so I am sure things have changed but I know the boys will love the rides & the stores they have to get suveneirs. They have a big Christmas store that I know they will want to go into, heck I want to go in there, lol.
We are going for about three days & two nights, we are going to walk around Pigeon Forge the first day go into the store & eat ect.. Then the second day we are going to go to Dollywood & ride the rides, then the third day when we check out of the motel we are going to go down too Knoxville & visit the zoo.
Trystan & I just watched one of the "Harry Potter" movies, well I watched parts of it but what I saw of it it was pretty good, I am not into the "Harry Potter" movies or books but I know they are popular, my nephew he reads those big old books about "Harry Potter". I can't read books, my ADHD wont let me, but he sure can.
I am waiting for Football season to start up, training camp opens soon & then we will have preseason football then we will have the regular season before we know it. I will be bleeding orange in the next few months, GO VOLS!!
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Donavon & Jaydon wants their friend to stay the night tonight & we have told them they need to get the house cleaned up or he can't stay. Well they haven't done anything to the house, I have gotten all of their toys in a pile & all they have to do is pick them up & put them away but I can't get them to do it it is very irritating. I have swept & mopped & got everything together so they can have him stay over but if they don't get their toys up Amy & I wont let them have their friend over.
Amy is doing really good on her meal planning she has lost 16 pounds so far she is proud of herself & she should be loosing weight is hard to do, I try to tell her not to get discourage if the scale doesn't move because you have to take other things onto account.
I don't have the will power. I have lost some more weight, if I lose much more I may need to see the doctor about it. I figured it was where I had started to drink diet soda, but I still eat about the same as I did before maybe not as much junk food but I haven't went on any diet.
Amy is afraid I am getting depressed again because of my weight lose & me wanting to stay in the bed most of the day. I just don't want to do much is all & the bed looks so inviting plus six of the thirteen medicines I am on says "can cause drowsiness" on the bottle. I counted the other day & I take 22 1/2 pills a day plus I am to check my blood twice a day, that in itself would get you down.
I don't know I don't want to do anything so maybe I am getting depressed, I have been on a high for a little while so it is about times for me to have a mood swing. I do have to say that the Depekote ER has helped with my rapid cycling. Those are a pain in the ass to deal with, one minute you are up the next you are feeling as low as can be. The only thing is when the mood changes come they come no matter what I am on but I think it helps to keep the mood swings from coming on as often.
I am thankful for the Depekote ER because I know for a fact it has helped my mood, I would get hateful & argue over some of the silliest things. Amy has told me that she was close to leaving a few times before I was put on my medicines. I know I was a jerk, my sister in law has said she can see a difference in me, she said I am nice now. I just hate that I have to be on a medication to be "normal" but I guess we do what we have to.
Here is some pictures of my boys having fun at Mcds' on our mens day out. 
We took the boys bowling yesterday & we had a blast, my nephew beat everybody but all Amy cared about was beating me which she did. We then went out to eat & then we went to Wal Mart & did some shopping so it was a good day. We bought the boys a 8 ft x 18 in. pool to swim in this summer, we are going to put it together when Amy gets home from work.
Amy is doing good on her meal planning, she is determined to lose the weight she wants to lose. She has the will power so I know she will reach her goal as long as her mind is set on it. She has bought her a charm bracelet with a charm to put on it to reward herself for her first 10 pounds lost. I know she has lost at least 16 pounds, she hasn't told me if she has lost any more as of late.
I went to the regular doctor yesterday & I had lost 8 pounds which is better than nothing. I guess it is where I have switched to drinking diet soda. My blood sugar is staying in a pretty good level, it is staying between 90 to 130 so the medicine I am on seems to be helping. I am just glad I didn't have to take insulin, I wouldn't want to have to take those shots several times a day.
She told me if I was to lose some more weight I might not have to be on the medicine for my blood sugar, but she was talking about another 100 pounds & I just don't see me doing that. She said if I could get into the 100's, well when I was young & was lifting weights in high school & not eating but once or twice a day I was around 200 so I doubt it will happen today, lol.
I have been big my entire life & I have finally gotten to where I don't let it bother me that much, I have so much other stuff to bother me, that is last on the list.
I did alright yesterday as far as not having an anxiety attack, but I was with my family & we went early to bowl so there wasn't anyone there but us & the place we went to eat at wasn't to crowded so it was a pretty good day. The only place that was crowded was the store but I did fairly ok there, like I said I had Amy & the boys with me so it helped.
I am here today alone with the boys which Donavon & Jaydon are outside playing with their friends & Trystan is playing X Box so I am here about ready to climb the walls. I have no idea why, like I said the boys are being good, I don't have anywhere I have to go today & I have taken my morning medication but my nerves are on edge.
Today will be the second full day of me taking the new medicine I am on, the one my Gastro doctor put me on for stomach cramps, but they work by relaxing the nerves so I am hoping it will have a secondary use for me.
The boys are enjoying having the summer off, they are having a blast. I think we are going tomorrow with my mom & nephew to go bowling. They didn't get to go last time we went because my nephew was sick. The boys have fun bowling, we don't really care how good we do just as long as we have fun.
Amy is doing good on her meal planning again, you know there for awhile I was talking about her doing the nutri system program, well she is doing it again & she has lost 16 pounds in three weeks. She is determined to get to her goal weight of 150. She was 160 when we started dating but after being married to me for ten years & having three kids she has gained a little weight, which I don't care, she is beautiful to me no matter what she weighs.
I need to lose weight, I have gained some weight over the years & now being diabetic it would really help for me to lose some weight. I was 240 when Amy & I got married now I am at 280 so if I could lose about 40 pounds, I just don't have the determination that Amy has. She sets her mind to something & she is going to do it one way or another.
Well my gastro doctor has put me on a new medication for intestine cramping, I take them three times a day. What I like about them is it works by relaxing the nerves so I am hoping that it will help with my anxiety attacks.
I took Trystan & Donavon to the dentist yesterday for their checkup & at first it was just me & a few other people, but by the time the boys were done the waiting room was packed. I was nervous as could be & I was ready to get out of there. It got to were I was wanting to burn myself. When I feel out of control that is when I want to burn myself, I guess to feel like I am in control of the pain.
I was able not to do it, because one I was out in public & two I knew it wouldn't really help solve anything but the desire to do it was really strong, I am afraid I may get the desire to do it & not be able to stop myself then what will Amy do. She is understanding & I know she worries about me but she has told me she can't have the boys around me if I am going to be hurting myself.
Esp. around Trystan seeing how he is Bi polar also & he doesn't need that idea in his head. I don't want to be the reason he would start hurting himself because he saw his daddy doing it.
Amy & the boys took me out today for Fathers Day, Amy had to work yesterday so that is why we did it today. We had a nice family time out it was really nice.
I saw my case worker today, I told her about my thoughts of wanting to to burn myself again but that I have been able to keep from giving in so far. She said she would put it in her notes that I was thinking about hurting myself again but that I have been able to keep myself occupied with other things so far.
I see my tdoc on the 3rd of July & I am afraid if I tell her I have been thinking about burning myself again she will put me back in to the hospital. I don't want to go back in esp. over the holiday. I want to be honest with her esp. if she has read my case workers report, I don't want to be caught in a lie.
My case worker asked me why did I want to hurt myself, I told her I guess that it was because I want to feel like I am in charge of something in my life & trying to control how much physical pain I am in will help since I can't control how much mental pain I am in. By her response I figure that is what she had already knew.
I want to do it, but what keeps me from doing it is Amy & the boys, she said if I did it again she would call my tdoc & have me put back in the hospital & she also said she wouldn't let the boys be around that sort of thing. So I have to worry about Amy & the boys leaving if I did it again.
It isn't where I think about it all the time, but when I do think about it I want to do it really bad. I am going to say it is like if someone smokes, how much they need that nicotine, when I am in the mood to burn myself I really want that satisfaction of the burn.
I know to you this my sound completely crazy, but to me it sounds like sweet release, however I wont do it because there are more important things in my life.
2007
Thanks for the tag. I'm glad you like tmy place; feel free to come back any time. 
at my place for those sad, hurting, feeling alone and dealing with old wounds 
Havent been by my site for awhile. 
I got a new post up you may want to read. 
Hope you have A BLESSED Week 
if your interested. 
at my place, come on over if you like. In any case my your holidays be stress free and blessed, remember you are truly an amazing unique spiritual creature 
and you are loved 
Sometimes we forget such thing 
, have a good thanks giving. 
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